How to slow things down

Kavita Hatten
June 15, 2018

It’s super exciting when he pursues you. The texts, the phone calls, the roses and when he tells you a million times how beautiful you are, all you can do is just soak it up.

So you keep smiling, accepting dates and opening yourself up and before you know it, you’re talking about living together, how many pets you’ll have and where you’ll live in your old age.

But, wait!

In the meantime, you’re feeling anxious and unsure about how to best handle the situation with the guy you really like but who wants to spend a lot of time with you.

You worry about pushing him away, but at the same time you know that avoiding your feelings is not the answer either.

If you’re in a situation like this, I recommend the following:

Take a step back and evaluate what’s best for you.

Take steps to take back your control. I’m not talking about a way that is bossy or controlling, but in a way that is clear, respectful and empowering.

1. Trust yourself

Trust the little voice inside your head that’s saying, “This is going too fast,” and “Maybe I need to know him better”, and “I need to slow things down.”

The little voice is showing up for a reason.

The little voice is your intuition. It’s a gut feeling that you can’t necessarily put words to but it’s there to protect you. Trust it.

2. Be honest

Let you partner know the relationship is moving too fast for your comfort level. Don’t be afraid to share how you really feel. Remember that healthy intimacy is about being open, honest and truthful. Open communication at the onset sets the stage for a respectful relationship.

3. Set boundaries

Anytime you are doing something that you don’t in your “heart of hearts” want to do, you’re not honoring yourself. This includes giving too much of yourself emotionally, physically or sexually.

My clients often ask me, “Don’t you need to give in a relationship even if you don’t want to?” The answer is sometimes, yes, and mostly, no. Let me explain what I mean.

In order to know and move towards what you really, really want in relationships and in life you need to say no first. I’m referring to the type of “want” that feels right for you, that’s good for you and that aligns with your needs, your values, your self-care and your goals.

When you say no to things that don’t feel right for you, you then open yourself up to opportunities and growth that does. This is true in relationships as it is for life.

You never want to give in a relationship by compromising who you are. You never want to give in a relationship if it doesn’t feel “right” for you. You never want to give in a relationship if the next day you’ll say to yourself, “Why the hell did I do that?”

A healthy relationship begins with you.

You want to give in a relationship if it aligns with your values, your needs and the “core” of who you are. Your authentic self.

Remember your boundaries are there to protect you. Use them often.

4. Face your fears

Fear keeps us stuck and repeating old patterns that are no longer working. Fear keeps us feeling a false sense of security. Fear keeps us from not facing our true self. Fear keeps us feeling that something other than what is healthy for us is the way to love and emotional freedom, when it’s not.

Face whatever is holding you back from showing your true self.

Ask yourself, “Am I afraid to be alone? ” and “Am I worried about getting old?” and “Will he not love me if I say no?” Navigate through all the discomfort and be comforted that you’ll see your true self on the other side.

5. Invest in you

If you’ve been swept up in your relationship you may have forgotten your own needs. At any stage of a relationship, taking care of yourself is important. A relationship is healthier when partners don’t rely on the other person to make them happy.

Take time and invest in you.

Do things that make you happy and bring joy in your life. Feed your emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual self daily.

When a relationship is moving too fast, trust that slowing the relationship down will keep you grounded and balanced. Trust that the right person will respect the boundaries that you’ve set, and will only be in your life because they truly want to.

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