I don’t think you can ever be too picky. When it comes to major decisions like your relationship, it’s ultimately the life you’re choosing to live.
But how do you know if your relationship is worth staying in? How do you know if you’re settling or being too picky?
When faced with making a relationship decision, it’s normal to feel confused and even overwhelmed. If you’ve been thinking about what to do for awhile, likely you’re stuck in “analysis-paralysis.”
Here are 5 basic steps to take if you’re feeling overwhelmed about your relationship and can help bring clarity to your situation:
1. Going with your “gut”
Your “gut feeling” is your intuition. It’s your keen sense of something that doesn’t need analytic reasoning to deduct. Another way to put it, it’s a feeling you get immediately without needing to “reason it out.” This is critical because when you’re trying to make a decision that is fueled with emotion, resorting to a sense of “knowing” is comforting.
2. Understanding your deeper needs
As humans we have basic needs of love and belonging. We strive to have intimate relationships and have a need to connect with others. But if you’re carrying wounds from childhood and you’re developmental needs were not met (that of parental love and care for example), as an adult you may confuse someone else’s love and attention for “healthy love.”
So to better understand your deeper needs of love and belonging, you may first have to ask yourself questions like this:
- “How would I feel emotionally if my partner was showing healthy love?”
- “How do I want to be treated if my partner was showing healthy love?”
- “How would my partner demonstrate that I belong and am included in his life?”
- “How would my partner communicate if in a healthy, loving relationship?”
- “How will my boundaries be respected in a relationship with a loving, healthy partner?”
3. Partner’s responses to communication
If you’re at a crossroads about your relationship, don’t get stuck in your head about what to do without talking to your partner. You’d be surprised how often this happens in relationships. A lack of communication can lead to more anxiety and overwhelm about the relationship.
Here are a few steps to take:
- Open up to your partner that you’ve been conflicted about the relationship.
- Pay attention to how your partner responds to your expression of feelings. Does he get defensive? Does he blame you for how you feel? Or does he show concern to why you’re unhappy?
- Does he want to listen and seek understanding? Or does he get indifferent? Is he open to whether or not he can meet your needs? Does he show openness and flexibility?
- Does he take what you said personal? Or does he see that your needs for love and affection are not about him, but more about what is important to you and how this is a part of your journey?
As you can see the questions you can ask are endless. Choose the questions that are right for you and allow it to guide you to a place of peace.
4. Aligning with your values
When we list relationship values, we come up with trust, honesty, respect, and loyalty to name a few. But when it comes to making a decision about whether to stay or go, we become paralyzed with fear and forget to connect with our deeper self -our authentic self.
So instead of saying, “Does he still love me?”
I encourage you to change the question to:
“Can I see myself with this person in my future?” “Does he treat me in the manner in which I want to be treated – emotionally, physically, and spiritually, etc?”
5. Trusting your journey
Healthy relationships stem from how you love and accept yourself, and when you can find a sense of purpose not from the relationship but in spite of it – that’s where happiness really lies. Being alone may not be as rewarding as being in an relationship, but an unhealthy relationship certainly has its consequences.
Take the necessary time to evaluate your relationship, but don’t get caught in analysis-paralysis. Don’t worry about making the wrong decision, because in the journey called “life,” there are no mistakes just lessons. And the true path to freedom is trusting the course.